Hermione's Heartache
by ttiiggeerr
Summary: Some reference to sex (girlXgirl) and naughty language. Hermione is astonished that books couldn't prepare her for the hurt that she'd be going through when she gets involved in a love triangle.
1. Chapter 1

**hey, so i needed to vent, so i put my feelings into a fanfic! i hope the agony and the depressedness doesn't bother you. **

**it's how i feel right now. i am currently in this situation, just with different people. **

**any advise, review. only after you read.**

**R&R please. it would mean a lot. especially now.**

Chapter 1: Agony

"So, wanna spend the night, or what?"

"Sure, we can go see Eclipse and then go back to your place. Me and my mom will pick you up in ten minutes."

"Okay, see you then." Click. Ginny had been canceling on me lately, and I wondered what that meant, but her mom did need to continue with her job as a busy mother. I just was glad that we'd finally be going. I hoped to heaven and then to hell and back that she wouldn't cancel again.

"Hermione, you can't just wait around for your friends forever. You have a life too."

"I know mom. Dad called for you earlier. Sounded kind of urgent."

She left me to my thoughts for the next ten minutes. I really hoped that she wouldn't call back and cancel. She's been spending so much time with Harry now that they were dating. A horn honked as Ginny ran through the downpour to my door with a backpack and a small pillow. I recognized it as her favorite pillow, the felt one with the horses printed on it. We ran back to her mom's car.

Mrs. Weasly learned how to drive very quickly, and was adept at it. more so than you're average muggle. Me and Ginny texted for awhile while her mom was saying things that our teenage minds took it to only where teenage minds could go.

I knew this was going to be a fun night, I just didn't know why. I thought it was because of all the hype about the movie.

We sat down for the movie, and I had the sudden urge to put my head on her shoulder…a way of being close, and of showing all the people in the theatre that she was mine…and maybe give off the impression that this was a date.

I had been bisexual for almost two years now, even though I had never actually been with a girl. I know that being bisexual means that I would like girls, but this was just ridiculous. Seriously. I told myself that when I had started to list after the also-bi Ginny one term into last year's school year.

Having to know that Harry was her boyfriend wasn't doing any good, but it also wasn't doing anything bad either. It was just a fact. A fact that I loathed. I wanted to be her girlfriend, damn it!

About five minutes into the movie, I did manage to put my head on her shoulder. I was very comfortable like this, so that made me even more glad that she didn't object to it. As I watched the movie, I felt the need for her to be mine rise higher and ever higher.

This couldn't possibly be good.

After the movie we went outside and talked. I made sure that every guy that was there knew that she was taken. They thought by me…I only wished.

My mom pulled up and took us home. We went straight to my room, since we had both eaten before the movie. She was sitting on the corner at the foot of my bed, me right next to her. She was playing a game on her super high tech Ipod, and I was watching over her shoulder.

Watching her be destructive, even in a game, was a major turn-on that I didn't expect. My head was back on her shoulder.

"Ginny, what are you thinking?"

"You tell me first."

"No fair." We sat in silence, her waiting for me to tell her what was on my mind, and me considering what could happen if I did tell her. I heard myself talk without giving myself permission to do so. "I want to fucking kiss you." I moved my head so that I was centimeters from her right cheekbone.

"So go for it." She just sat there as I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. After I kissed her twice more on the same spot, she turned her head, and the monsters were unleashed. We flew to the stars that night. Twice.

The next morning I woke up to Ginny's breathing. I watched her sleep for about ten minutes before she woke up too. I asked her where it all put us, and she said friends with benefits. Really good benefits.

But that wasn't enough for me. She didn't seem to regret it, and for that I was grateful. But I wanted to be more. I wanted to be there for her in ways that Harry wasn't.

He cheated on her, more than once. I know that because Luna, a good friend of all of us, told me. And she never lies. Yes, she tries to pass things off, but she never lies about anything like that. Never about something important.

I wanted to treat her like she was special. One of a kind. And she is.

I thought about Ron. Yes, I loved him. But he was temperamental. He would be happy one day, and emo the next. It was odd. Because of that, I was a little pissed at him not being able to respect the way I feel about him. So I was going to go and live my life while I had it. I'd give him time to get his shit together.

And she loved Harry. Well, this is a problem. A slight dilemma. Well, shit.

I kept pestering her, gently, and she said that I needed to give her time. She'd tell me when she's gotten everything figured out. Her mom pulled up shortly, and I gave her a goodbye hug. I wanted to give her a kiss as well, but I wasn't there yet.

Yet.

I held onto that word like it was the only source of oxygen left. The seconds seem like hours. It's…Friday today. She spent Tuesday night here. Three days. It's been only three days? That's it?

Three days.

One word per day.

I just can't bring myself to say them out loud. Not to her, at least. Not yet. Hell, I had to make sure that none of the three times I wanted to say it, I didn't. That would have equaled major disaster. I feel like Bella, Jacob, and Edward.

Bella: I love two people. I must chose one. But one doesn't return the feelings. The other refuses to talk to me yet. There's the yet again.

Jacob: I'm waiting on Ginny to decide. I'll hurt if she doesn't chose me.

Edward: I'm majorly protective. But if need be, I'll let her go. I'll always be waiting in the wings.

Always.

Ever heard someone say 'The wait is the worst part'? It's true. I've been waiting for Ginny to make up her mind for three days. I can't make my decision until she makes hers.

I went to mow my grandmother's yard. All five acres of grass and sticks were almost the death of me. I did the work of five men instead of one teenage girl. I worked for seven hours. Straight.

I didn't stop until we were done.

Completely done. No breaks for me. The only break I got was when I had to go back home and get our push mower since the twenty some-odd year old push mower at grandma's didn't work anymore. So much for making it to the end of the year.

Now I'm home, and I'm still waiting for Ginny to decide. I don't even know if she's in another Mood or not. The silence is disconcerting. I'm worried as all hell.

I know I'm just impatient. I shouldn't be sitting here in pj's and an old shawl on my shoulders. I shouldn't be in the rocking chair that was a pregnancy gift to my mother when she was pregnant with me. I should get out of my room. I should stop thinking about Ginny. I should. But I can't. I need a physical outlet. Why, oh why, did I ever give up HapKiDo?

I should go for a run. I'll get changed and do that.

I collapsed last night in the cemetery and at the pond when I went on a run. William and Bob, (my ghost friends, yes I see ghosts) and Blake (my Guardian Angel and friend since forever) helped me pull myself together. They understand.

They understand.

I think I'll go for a run. Maybe this time I can outrun the agony of having to wait, and not know anything.

Maybe.

**so...any advise anyone? review please, it would help boost my spirits.**


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Too Much

Today is just Too Much. Mom took me shopping for new shoes. I don't need new shoes, and I told her as much. I hate shopping with her, and I all but threw a fit. We still went. Khol's didn't have anything I liked. She threw a fit, and took me a few towns away to another branch. Same thing happened. Then she took me to JCPenny. I hate that store just as much as I hate shopping with her. She got mad when I just stood there. She sent me to the car.

I stood out in the baking sun (by the way, did I mention I don't like the sun?) for at least half and hour. What a bitch. The sun included.

We finally went home. Dad wouldn't leave me alone. He kept asking questions. I kept saying yes/no answers. I can't outrun the misery this time. I tried. Twice.

I. Am. Done.

I'm going to cut tonight. I've got 14 scars. One more and I'll have one for every year I have hated being alive. One for every person that I thought loved me, and doesn't. One for every year that I've had to deal with my dad's side of the family refusing to talk to my mom's side of the family. 15. Strong number. Like Yet. They're both strong things.

Come to me, my precious razor blade. Solve all of my problems.

Make me bleed, just so that I know that I'm alive.

Make me feel in control.

Make me feel alive again.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: My Heart Forces Me to Listen

Harry wasn't talking to Ginny. She told him, and it was like he fucking disappeared off the face of the damn planet. Well, I decided that I would hopefully make Harry realize that it wasn't Ginny's fault. I told him that he shouldn't blame her. He should blame me, if anybody. I told him I was sorry. That was hard, considering me and him coexisted, nothing more. We never apologized to each other. But we never do anything to the other to make them mad or upset. We just dealt with each other.

Don't get me wrong, he's a good guy. I just didn't care for him in particular.

And I think a large part had to do with him having Ginny.

Anyway, I asked her if he was talking again. She said that he broke up with her, and to leave her alone. Knowing that she was upset broke my heart.

Why couldn't anything in my life be simple anymore?

Now she wouldn't want to go to me for anything anymore. I always let me know more than most of her friends. But…I was afraid that she wouldn't anymore. All because I had to speak my mind. I was the reason that the love of her life just broke her heart. I felt terrible.

Looking at myself in the mirror was out of the question this week. I knew that I was a mess. My life was strewn out in front of me, and I had a bad case of Hindsight Syndrome. I couldn't help but to look back into my past, and to criticize every moment of my existence. Everything that went wrong. I blamed it all on me.

You should see my face. Even Warren, my darling cousin Warren, told me that my face looked more hallow, my skin more…pale. He said I looked like a zombie. I didn't know what to tell him. No one in my family could ever know. Not unless this progressed into something more. I knew that it wouldn't. Not after Harry. Not after that.

I walked to the park to get away from the house. My own personal prison following me. Trapping me. My mind, never letting up, kept repressing my heart. It wouldn't let it speak. I knew what it wanted to say, and I couldn't deal with that kind of information. I think.

It would scare me, and that's not easily done.

I sat down, and looked out at the highway. At the people that had lives. They were normal, orderly. I wished I could join them.

I thought about college, and escaping the world that I have come to call my life. In college, well…I wouldn't know anybody. I could start over, clean the slate. Be myself. Finally. I could forget everyone from earlier in my life. I could cut all my ties. I could start over.

I could start over.

I could start over.

I could start over.

_NO!_

I thought I told my heart to shut the fuck up.

_You can't start over because…_it hesitated, not sure how my head would react.

And just why can't I start over?

_Because you love her._

Did I? I know I cared more for her than I wanted to admit, but did I really love her?

The answer was simple.

_Yes. _


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: One Thing Leads to Another

Well. It's been….forty days since having Ginny all to myself. She was at my house the other day. We were eating lunch in my kitchen and she told me that she thought Draco liked her because he was always so sweet to her. I agreed and then she blew my mind.

And broke my heart.

Again.

She told me she's liked him since she started dating Harry.

It took every ounce of strength for me to keep all emotion out of my eyes, so she wouldn't see how much it hurt me. It hurts just to think about it. And why am I thinking of it? That's just unhealthy.

I've told her that I love her. It was on a Sunday. And a few weeks ago. I was texting her and told her that I was distracted because I wanted to tell her something, but it was an in-person conversation. Her, being her, wormed it out of me. I told her that I was worried she would drop me when she found out that I had come to love her.

She said that she couldn't return the feeling.

I cried.

I cut.

I cried some more as I cut.

Oh, the sweet pain. It always makes me feel better.

Always.

I shouldn't sit here and think about this. I shouldn't have to feel the pain of her liking Draco instead of me. She still pins over Harry. That still hurts. A lot. But I think the bigger threat to my love for her is Draco. And having her tell me to my face that she likes him hurt like a mother fucker. I cried again that night.

I cried.

I cut.

I cried some more as I cut.

Sweet pain...that's the only way I'm alive right now. That sweet pain comforting me. Sweet pain…

Apparently my love for her hasn't affected her as much as I thought it might have. A year ago she might have been happy. Now…not so much…at least…I don't think she's that thrilled that I love her.

What a bunch of shit.

My life has always been that though.

One bad thing leading to another bad thing.

Love for one resulting in a broken heart for the lover. And perpetual obliviousness for the love-ie.

What a bunch of shit.

Maybe I'll go cut…

I think I will.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey ya'll! i'm just really bored and i'm here to say...i do not own...**

**Yet**

Chapter 5: If Only

It's been a total of eleven days since Ginny told me about liking Draco. It's Monday today. On Saturday I was camping in the backyard because I had to make sure that the tent had no funny leaks or smells. My dad, and my brother, and I need it in working and perfect condition for a camping trip next weekend. I hardly slept.

Ginny was upset. So I decided that I would try to calm her. She was really bothered. Since me and Harry were actually at a tentative truce, she asked me what I knew. I told her that he loved Cho when he was dating her. She asked if he still liked her.

I was forced to tell her the truth.

No. He didn't like her like that. A friend, yeah. But not the way Ginny wanted.

She wanted to cry, but refused as she was with her family.

The guilt slowly ate at my core. I was the reason she wanted to sob and cry. I was always the reason she was upset. Draco and Harry are always the reason she's happy.

I cut. Once on my right leg, long and deep. Sweet pain.

Sunday night wasn't much better. It was worse.

I was talking to Ginny and told her that my right thigh hurt. She guessed that it was because I cut again. I told her yes. I also asked her if she wanted to know why I cut, why I almost collapsed due to malnutrition a few days prior. She said that she wanted to know.

So I told her. I told her how my parents blame me for everything. I clean, and I never do it well enough. I water the plants, but they're always under or over watered. Mom yells at me for everything. The family feud that she started; my fault. Her unsuccessful experiments; my fault. Dad not being able to see me over the holidays; my fault. Everything was my fault. I was always wrong. I talk and I'm too loud. I don't say anything, and I'm too quiet. I dress for working in the yard, and I'm dressed up. I dress up, and I look like a slob. That's the story of my life. That's why I say sorry for everything. That's why I never cry. It's not allowed from me. That's why I try to get away as often as possible. And when I'm wrong, when it's my fault, I don't get to eat. Rules are rules. Even if it's human to cry.

I have a stash of food. And I would still have it…if they hadn't found it. Now I need a new hiding spot. And more food.

I told her I cut twenty times on Sunday. I included Saturday's cut. And she wasn't mad. She didn't know why. I couldn't figure it out. I tried using legimacy, but she was too far away. Neither of us knew why she wasn't mad at me for cutting this time. We just knew that she wasn't.

I have hopes. I can dream. I rarely do, but I can.

I know I'm probably wrong. I know she doesn't feel like that. But…I still have hopes. I still wish. For the first time, in a long time, I watched the sunrise Monday morning. It was beautiful. So much like Ginny herself. Shades of pink were paired with her blush. Blues and reds mixed to make various shades of purple that looked so nice with her complexion. As I watched the colors fade, I thought of my life. Dull. Lifeless. Colorless. Fading. I cried.

And I wasn't caught this time.

For the second time in my life, I wasn't caught crying. The first was Sunday night. I smiled.

As I smiled, I thought of Ginny's smile. How her eyes would light up. If only I was right. I can imagine what she would look like if I turned out to be right.

Scared, then confused as hell. After awhile of sitting in deep thought, she'd slowly realize that she might be happy. For once, she could be truly happy.

If only.

If only I was right.

If only she could feel that way.

If only that's why she wasn't mad at me for cutting.

If only.


	6. Chapter 6

I...am a person. And I...need space. But...people don't respect that. I had Lavender come up to me today and yell at me and basically tell me that I'm not worth a rat's ass and that I need to just stay the fuck away from her and all will be just fine. Well then. I can tell when I'm not wanted in the picture. Clearly I'm not wanted there. Well I just have one thing to say to you Miss Lavender Know It All. Whatever.

So I have just decided to ignore her. If she thinks that I shouldn't be in Ginny's life, then fine. If she thinks that I'm a bad influence to Ginny...fine. I really don't care anymore. She can tell me to stay away from Ginny. But I won't listen. Only when Ginny herself tells me to stay away will I leave. Even though I know it will probably kill me in the process.

A lot of people tell me that Life Happens. Well you know what? Death Happens too. And Death can be self-inflicted. Yeah, I don't think Lavender wants to see me within the next twenty-four hours. That would prove disasterous for her. And I would end up in jail. Oh well. I just hope that I'll be able to control myself around her. I can get really bad when I'm mad at someone. It's not pretty, let's just leave it at that.


	7. Chapter 7

**I know, I know. You probably think I fell off the face of the earth if you read my other stories...sorry..I'm still alive and doing well! It's just hard to keep up with all the storylines and family and the band and colorguard...Plus I'm trying to pick out a class ring and it's just hectic so I'll try to ud them all soon!**

**P.S. I don't own.**

**Yet**

Just as I thought I was going to get to school earlier than usual mom comes in and tells me I'm running over an hour late. Well there goes Study Hall's Band Practice. Oh well. I guess math has to come first. It's a really good thing I like math and I'm good at it too so that'll be done. Along with a quick study session for my Spanish test. I hate that language. You know that I learned Russian, and I know parts of French, Italian, Chicko, and a word or two in Japaneese, but I cannot get Spanish for the life of me.

Anyway, the band's performance went very well all things considered. Color guard finally got in our uniforms and the entire band got our new shirts in! They're really cool, even though I like last year's better. But this year's is black, not bright red. Goes better with my complexion. That and I don't really care to wear red. It makes it more noticeable when I blush. And that is one thing I don't want people noticing if I can help it.

When half-time was over and the band was sitting on the side bleachers, I got bored. Yeah I know that I shouldn't have used legimacy, but I did anyway. Ginny's face was off, and I wanted to know if I should make her tell me what was wrong or just let it go. Her knee was bothering her...a lot this time. I continued to stay inside her mind and interact with people so I could suffer with her. The one thing I hate about legimacy is that it doesn't allow you to take pain away from others. My knee was fine, I knew that much, but her mind was slowly taking mine and telling me that it hurt. And boy did it hurt.I went to her and we talked.

She told me what I already knew. Her knee was bugging her and she was tired. So I sat down beside her and told her that she should sleep. She refused, not wanting to get in trouble from the directors. I nodded, but now that she mentioned it...she really was tired. I felt really bad for her. I wanted to take it all away. Too bad I couldn't. I put my arm around her in the hopes that she would end up falling asleep, but she was tough. She did put her head on my shoulder a few times, but each time she caught herself and sat up straight. A very small smile found it's way to my face. I couldn't help but smile.

Soon after, she wanted to talk to one of the football players. I called for him to come over to us, and he refused. Ginny texted him a few times, but he still refused, so I got Fred (whom I had sooo whipped...) to go get him for me. He finally came over, but had to go back before he got in trouble. Ginny jsut about broke her clarinet because she was so fustrated. So I said her name.

"What?"

"Ginny"

"What?"

"Ginny."

She finally looked up at me. "What?" I looked in her eyes and remembered all the reasons I never looked in her eyes. I could get lost in them. And I knew that she could see the absolute love and adoration forever etched in my heart spilling into my plain blue eyes.

"It's not the end of the world." She calmed instantly, just like I knew she would. She usually listens to me when she's tired...unless it's about when she actually goes to sleep. The rest of the game we stayed there, just sitting and talking. All the other complications of life flowed away. I forgot about everything that pissed me off. Just her and me. Like so many monthes ago. Three, to be exact...sorta. Days seem to mean nothing to me anymore. All I know is that I don't want to give her up...ever. And yet...if that's what she wants...I'll give her up even though it will likely kill me.

Looking back I know that what we did was more than likely wrong...but it just seemed so damn _right. _Every time I look at her, I remember why I did what I did. Why I told her what I was thinking. Why I love her. Everything. And every time I see her with someone else...it makes me remember that I can never have her. I can't call her mine..because she isn't mine. Yet. Ahh...There's that Yet again. I think that must be my favorite word. It's the word I think when I stop the cutting. It's the word I think when I want to join my grandpa in Heaven. I think that word all the time. I even use it all the time. I could be asked a simple question, and I'll respond with a 'not Yet' and no one seems to realize that I'm not responding to their question, but my own wishing...wanting...needing... They never realise it. And I don't think they ever will. I don't even think Ginny realises the pain I'm in every day.

Every day I see her, she's always with someone else. Everyday I don't see her causes me pain from the loneliness that only she can fill. And the days where I can see her...talk to her...be with her and have her all to myself, even if for a few minutes, is so rare, I have stopped hoping for them. I have stopped wishing upon a star because they never grant your wish. I have stopped praying that I can call her mine and to have her officially call me hers because I know that I'll never have that prayer answered. I stopped believing in the promise of Love. If it's unrequited, how can you promise it? You can't. And I learned that the hard way.

Maybe I'm going insane. Maybe I need to go to solitary confinement. Maybe I'm a lost dreamer. I don't know. You tell me. Everyone else usually tries to tell me what I am. Everyone except Ginny. She doesn't tell me what I am, or what I should be doing. She respects my space, and invades it when I truely need someone to understand. And I pray everyday that I at least get to keep that, if I can't have her love. And as a sad tear rolls down my cheek, I will cry myself to sleep tonight. I will go to my books and imagination where we can be together. Where I can have her, if only in my dreams; for every night for three months I have dreamed about getting to keep Ginny. When Ginny tells me that we can finally be together. But every dream must be broken by the light of day. And my dreams will only last eight hours tonight. As usually happens every other night I've been alive. I guess I'll just have to pray that she will one day decide that she wants to give us a chance and let God decide what to do. I hope I can have her.

I hope that hope will not be the death of me.


	8. Chapter 8

**Yeah Yeah Yeah. I don't own. Wish I did. Buuuuuuut...i don't. **

**Bummer.**

Hope is a good thing to have. But when it gets out of hand, it could have the power to kill. No one seems to understand how I can be so upset for so long about not having Ginny. Yes, some people know. Hell, there are even rumors going around about what happened. All because one person had to open their big mouthes. This is so stupid. Not many people care, and even if it is true, I don't want everyone knowing what goes on in my love life. I'm going to have to take that up with someone who has a calming power over me.

Ever wonder why? Just the word Why. Not why this, or why that. Just Why. And then realize how many things can fill in the blank there? I do all the time. Do me a favor; go home tonight, write down the question why. And then write down everything that starts with the word why and put it down. Go do something. Read a book. Watch TV. Play a sport. Go to bed. Anything. Now, either you were so preoccupied by what you wrote that you finally gave up, or you just didn't give it a second thought.

Next, go find the list and reread it. Mark in some way or form the questions that deal with emotions, and the ones that deal with life in general, and the ones that deal with your life specifically. Which one has been mentioned the most? Emotions? Life? Now go back, and try to answer them. You can't, can you? Does that bother you? Not knowing?

Well, it has stopped bothering me. I officially care, but I don't let it bother me until I have nothing to do. Then I sit down for a few hours and just think. Just think. No reading. No sports. No TV. Just thinking. You'd be suprised how calming it can be. Yeah you might get a headache the first few times, but once you get used to it, it helps you learn a lot about yourself. Especially when it comes to Loveing someone, and just liking them. That's how I know that I don't just like Ginny, I Love her. And I always will. It's just sad when you can't have what you know is good for you. Imagine being sick. Deathly ill, and you know that medicine a can heal you. But you can't get to medicine a because someone else already used it.

It's something like that.

Of course, I know that as I tell you this story, you're going to wonder. Well...were does the happy ending come in? There might not be a happy ending to this story. I really don't know. That's up to Ginny. I want it to be happy. But it might not. One thing's for sure though. Unless her new boyfriend (did I mention she's dating Neville?) breaks up with her, I don't think I'll ever even get a shot at being able to Love her freely. Hell I don't even get a hug unless I ask for one. That's just sad. And only select people like you know that I Love her. It's just not fair that I have to hide it when I have so much Love to give. I guess I'll just have to continue pouring my feelings into my songs and giving it to the kids at the grade school. They at least take it without objecting.

They accept me. They Love me. And they never doubt my judgement.

*If you only knew

I'm hanging be a thread

The web I spin for you

If you only knew

I'd sacrafice my beating heart

Before I'd lose You

If You only know

How many times I counted all the words that went wrong

If you only knew

How I refuse to let you go even when you're gone

I don't regret any days I spent

Nights we shared

Or letters that I sent* Lyrics from Shinedown's If you only Knew


	9. Chapter 9

yeah i know. don't own. wish i did. plot is mine. but i dont own anything else...

sad face

Homecoming this weekend. I'm staying at home tonight. I performed at half-time for the football game. I did the parade. So tonight I'm skipping the dance. I just don't feel like seeing Ginny and Neville together again. I honestly don't think I could handle that. I already have to see it at school. So I'm going to just say 'screw it' to the whole damn thing.

Besides, I never really liked social events like that. I hate dressing up. It's just something I don't like doing. Never really have, either.

So I guess I'll just sit here and ask you a question.

What is it like to date someone of your own gender? I have yet to find out through experience, and I have no clue how to find another girl I like that would be interested...that I can actually stand, I mean. I can't stand Pavarti. She hurt Ginny and she will stop at nothing to make sure that everyone around her pays her more attention than anyone else. That pisses me off.

Oh well. I think I'll ask a good friend of mine. Yes, I think Seamus will know exactly what I'm talking about, especially considering he's gay himself. It'll just have to apply to girls and not guys. Sounds like a good idea.

**so any clues/hints as to answering my question? that's a real question that i really want to know the answer to, so if anyone knows, lemme know! just press the little green magic button!**


	10. Chapter 10

ok ok i know the last chapter was pathetic. i wasnt feeling that good...

i don't own.

but i promise this one will be better, and a little brighter towards the end...maybe...idk

It has officially been 113 days since july 7th. 113 days of waiting for her to think about what happened. 113 days. thats a long time. But I'm sticking it out. I guess I have to. And then I had to open my big mouth again. I saw her and Neville in the hallway again, and I got really jealous and envious. So I told her what I thought of her boyfriend. She, naturally, flipped and told me never to talk to her again. So I didn't. If that's what she wanted, then fine. I'll let her be happy even if it hurts me.

Well she finally appoligized, and we're talking again. We had a competition at a university, and I ended up on her bus. So on the way there I fell asleep on her shoulder...I always end up on her shoulder. Hm...I wonder what that means... Anyway, on the way home she was pissed off and fed up with all the people that just don't give a rat's ass. She broke down. And I was there to help her through it. It made me feel...honored as sick as that sounds, that she would trust me enough to cry in front of me. She hates crying and being upset, but she hates to show it even more. It makes her feel vounerable and weak. which she most definately is NOT.

So I pulled her in for a hug and she stayed like that for the better part of ten minutes with her head on my shoulder, my head resting on hers. I was so content just sitting like that. It was very calming to the both of us. But alas...not everything lasts forever...I wish! So for the last hour or so of riding on the damn bus I ended up stroking her hair (which is very soft by the way) and thinking about what could have been.

So you can imagine that I was pretty pissed when we had to get off the bus to go home. I made sure she got in her car and told her to get some sleep. Poor girl was exhausted. I was too, but even then I stayed up for almost an hour doing nothing but thinking of her. I missed her a lot.

But when I woke up this morning, I noticed that it was like we never stopped talking. It was just peace and _home. _I know she doesn't feel that way, but it was easy to pretend with Neville not being there, and having it be just the two of us for once. I wish we could have more time like that. I wish we could always have just hours to do nothing but talk and be near each other, but she won't allow it. At least...I don't think she will. Especially after July. It might be a long time for her to be comfortable around me for long periods of time alone. Oh well. I can wait. I have forever.

And I promise you that I will wait if I must. Whatever works for her. As long as she's happy.


	11. Chapter 11

**dont own. lyrics by shinedown**

Sitting here, on my bed, wondering if you're okay. Yeah, sounds boring, right? Sounds like a pathetic way to spend a night. It is. It's how I'm going to be spending the rest of my existance. Bloodshot eyes, physical pain becoming a friend and a savior, no faith, and major depression. Nightmares every night, screaming in emotional pain, wishing and never getting, always regretting. Never being able to move forward.

She's gone. Forever. She told me she wasn't ever going to argue with me ever again because she was never going to talk to me again.

So at midnight I took the space inside my chest that's dedicated to you only and painted it. I took all the books you've ever read and put them on the top shelf. Away from sight. Out of reach. Just like her. I pulled out five grey hairs after I was done.

I took all my memories of you and stored them away in the back of my mind. Locked away. Forever. Unable to remember. Terrified of forgetting.

But how can I forget when I lost my one and only love? I can't. I can remember I lost my love. Nothing else. I'm wishing for the end. I'm wishing for the day she dies so I can end it with her. So I can make sure I keep my promise to her. As long as she lives, I will not committ suicide. But the minute she's dead, I'm going to die. I swear upon it.

I'm suprised I can survive without her. I'm suprised at myself. I can't feel the cold. I can't feel the heat. I can't feel anything. Only my pain for losing her and my love for her. And not being able to show it.

I guess I just have to deal.

I can only feel what pain I cause myself. It's why I relapse in cutting all the time. I'm honestly trying to quit. But it's harder for me than it is for any addict because it's the only thing I can feel other than emotional pain and numbness. It's my only reminder that I'm not already dead and in my own personal hell.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't breathe. I never thought I'd lose her. I guess she slipped out of my fingers. I don't regret anything. I only wish I had acted when I had the chance the first time.

I can't sleep. Her voice haunts my nightmares. That haunting melody kills me everytime. She will inevitably be the death of me. I will never live without her. Mentally, I'm dead. Physically, I'm dead.

Homework surrounds me. It engulfs me. And when I'm done with that, the cleaning starts. I only do it so I don't have any time to think about her. The forbidden things I promised myself I wouldn't do are only held in place by me keeping occupied. I love her.

Why can't she understand that? Why can't she try to comprehend that I'm dead inside because she's not here with me? And that I go on only because I promised her I would stay alive as long as she was? She doesn't understand. And I don't think she ever will.

I don't think she wants to understand. She's content with surrounding herself in half-lies and stretched truths. I try to stay in the full truth. It kills me the more I stay here, but I will endure because I can't feel the pain. I just can't. I've tried. I fake it. I fake being hurt, or cold, or hot because it would raise suspicion if people knew. They'd send me to a mental hospital if they knew all this.

The only thing I can safely know for sure is the following things:

I love her. And I always will.

I will always feel only emotional and self inflicted pain. Other than that the numbness takes over.

And I'm sorry I didn't take the chance when I first had it.


	12. Chapter 12

**So This chapter does skip a lot of time...I admit it.**

**ok! fine! i don't own!**

**Three monthes later:**

Okay, I'll be the first to admit, I don't like to rush anything.

I admit I only met Shane Zermoneski six days ago. I admit it. And I admit that five days ago I agreed to go out with him. I know, it was a rash decision. I know he's a year older. He's a seventh year, and I'm a sixth. So what?

I know that four days ago he proposed to me. I know it was over text. I know that agreeing to marriage at age fifteen going on sixteen was a stupidly rash thing to do. But you know what?

I don't care. As long as he loves me, and I love him, it'll all be fine.

Yeah I know I used to love Ginny. But I gave up on her. She was letting her anger get the better side of her. And I decided to just give up. After that, I have kept good on my promise. I haven't talked to her since.

I wish I could tell her I'm engaged though.

Thanksgiving is in a week and a half and I'm going to Shane's. I actually can't wait for it! I'm so eager to do anything that involves him.

And I've been losing sleep over him. I yearn to have his arms around me when I sleep so much, that I actually can't sleep. It's just not physically possible. Mentally I can sleep. Not physically. Which is really screwing me over bigtime. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with it for the next two years. I can do that.

I can be engaged for two years and keep it a secret...even if it hurts to have to keep it to myself all the time when all I want to do is scream it to the world. I can do that, because he asked me to.

He's told me he loves me all the time. So now it's my turn to get him a suprise.

I'm going to tell him exactly how I feel about him. I'm going to tell him I love him.

And I'm going to show him the ring I made to substitute a real one. I can't wait until tomorrow when I'm going to do that. Tomorrow morning to be exact. And I can't wait.

* * *

**Hey guys!**

**So I've had several of my dedicated readers, and a few new ones, ask me via PM if there was any way they could be updated on my work and my interactions on FanFiction other than my profile and author notes. Several of them because they don't read the author's notes and others because they like to have a face and a voice to a name. **

**But personally, I think it's a great idea simply because it lets you get to see a little bit of my personal life and also it allows you to get more frequent and more accurate and updated information. As well as I can explain things, such as where I've been and whatnot-you know, the things that I put in authors notes that I know not very many people read (I'm guilty of that occasionally as well).**

**SO! I've uploaded a poll on my profile page that you can all go to and you can choose up to five options that I've put up. If you think of another that I haven't done, then feel free to PM me and I'll add it to the poll.**

**Please, please, please go and vote. I love interacting with you guys so much and I'm willing to jump on the chance whenever I get it. **

**Have a wonderful day, Happy Readings, and go vote!**


	13. Chapter 13

Hi guys! So in light of some recent events, I'd like to welcome you all back to my stories! I realize I haven't been posting lately, technical issues have been abundant. To make up for that, I would love to let you all know that I'm creating a Harry Potter roleplay forum! I have not created it yet, as I would like a few basic characters to get the ball rolling, so to speak.

If you're interested in becoming a member, PM me with your requested character! Hurry, if I don't have 10 people by Halloween, I'm not opening the forum until Christmas!

Thanks for sticking with me and Happy Readings guys!


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